5 Strategies to Approach Touchy Topics with Confidence and Courage
Gosh! What a time to be alive.
It can’t be just me--I am utterly positive you feel it, too. Doesn’t it feel like everything is a touchy subject these days. In times of difficulty, accelerated change, and polarization, public discourse feel so jarring. Even brunch with pals can be heated. It’s not just the controversial subjects that can trip us up or get us tongue-tied, sometimes life’s tragedies and sorrows are equally hard to connect on. The good news is, there are some tried-and-true techniques to help.
By the end of this post, you will feel ready to face sticky subjects because you learned how to dig deep into your beliefs and biases, which will allow you to engage touchy topics confidently and with courage.
We’ve all been there. Maybe you have a dinner party or coffee with a friend. You’ve seen what they’re posting on Instagram and it’s clear they have opinions. You used to love getting together with these friends, but now you’re not so sure. You want to go and have a good time, and you also know there’s bound to be some discussion about touchy topics. I. Have. Been. There.
I have some friends I press in on things with and I have some friends where we’ve just agreed to disagree after many loud conversations.
Here are 5 ideas that have helped me approach touchy topics with confidence and courage:
1.
First, know that it’s difficult to change someone’s mind. It’s probably best to just drop the idea of changing their mind before you even get together. Ancient human instincts specifically made to protect us and help us survive also play a key role in keeping our defenses up. David Ropiek a Harvard professor explains, “We cling to our views because the walls of our opinions are like boundaries that keep the good guys inside (us) safe from the enemy without (all those dopes with different opinions than ours). Our views and opinions may help protect us, keep us safe, literally help us survive. Small wonder then that we fight so hard to keep those walls strong and tall.”
It’s deeply human to form deeply entrenched and exclusive views. It helps us know who is on “our team” and who is decidedly not. This is thinking in the deep recesses of our brains and not even conscious most of the time. It’s hard to change when the driving force is biological, especially when you don’t even realize you’re doing it. Going in without the goal to change anyone’s mind is wise. A valiant goal instead of changing someone’s mind is to slowly lower their defensive walls.
2.
Hard topics are almost always informed by someone’s life experience and emotions, so practice empathy in communicating your viewpoint. The journal Behavioral Scientists says, “ Take a step back and think about how their life may have shaped their opinions. Science communication research demonstrates that people’s past experiences and beliefs can act as a perceptual filter and may change how people interact with evidence.”
To bridge this divide, you can use personal stories or connections. Because people are often impacted more by emotion than evidence, it can be powerful to bring a personal touch to the topic. Your friend may not have had any experience with the situation, but maybe by sharing a story you have they can see it through your eyes.
My eyes have been opened to things I hadn’t been able to see because a friend has taken the time to tell their story. Story and personal connection help us contextualize cold, hard facts.
3.
Beware of your own temptation to conform to your cultural group. Polarization, a major issue in contemporary America, also changes the dynamics within groups, as members feel more pressure to conform in their beliefs and actions, which makes internal disagreement and diversity a lot less likely. In a 2016 paper, “The Nature and Origins of Misperceptions,” three political scientists from Darmouth note that in culturally segregated situations we feel intense “social pressure to think and act in ways that are consistent with important group identities.”
Instead of thinking for ourselves, we tend to be swayed “toward conclusions that reinforce existing loyalties rather than conclusions that objective observers might deem ‘correct.’” This group-think has happened to me on so many occasions. It’s really difficult to avoid, mostly because it’s difficult to understand you’re falling prey to this behavior.
In Atomic Habits, James Clear wrote, ““Humans are herd animals. We want to fit in, to bond with others, and to earn the respect and approval of our peers. Such inclinations are essential to our survival. For most of our evolutionary history, our ancestors lived in tribes. Becoming separated from the tribe—or worse, being cast out—was a death sentence.”
One way I’ve grown in this area is to diversify my social media feeds. It can be hard to cultivate a diversity of thought your in-the-flesh social groups, but it’s easy to do so online. Go and pick ten people you disagree with or who think differently than you and follow them for a month. See how you might meet their views with more compassion and understanding.
Okay! we’re almost halfway through. let’s pause for a breath.
4.
Know your own keystone values. What are your “main things”? What are you willing to speak up and cause dissension about? Equally, what gray areas are you willing to be misunderstood, maligned, or quiet about? Only major in your majors. You don’t have to be strident or an expert on anything that isn’t a major value, calling, or conviction of yours. You can default to someone who is invested in that topic. Most topics exist on a spectrum, and you might find you and your friend are nearer to agreement than you might think.
This practice of understanding what is truly mine to weigh in on has been life-changing. In the run-up to the 2016 election, there was a temptation to get fussed up about every single issue of the day. However, we are not meant to sustain frustration, worry, and outrage at a fever pitch every day. So, for that season, I picked two or three topics that I would speak out about and let the rest fall to others who are actually better suited to speak on those topics anyway.
I’ve since pulled that principle throughout all aspects of my life, and it has truly changed things. It gives me a clarity and a peace that when I speak up, I’m speaking up on behalf on something that deeply matters to me.
5.
Learn about being a non-anxious presence. In a world that’s moving at a frenetic pace, it is helpful beyond belief to provide someone a safe place to simply be themselves. “Nonaxious presence” was originally coined by Rabbi and therapist Edwin Friedman. It is used to describe an individual who provides a calm, cool, quiet, focused and collected environment that in turn empowers other people to be relaxed. Most of all, this models emotional regulation and the hope is that your friend mirrors your demeanor. This brings down the heat in any potential conflict.
You can ask questions instead of doling out advice or answers. Take a deep breath and think about slowing your heart-rate. Collect yourself, and even collect your body into folded hands in your lap. Loud voices, large body movements, quick actions...these are all to be avoided if possible as you take on the cadence of calm. Slow the speed of your words, and reflectively listen. Do not be drawn into the frenetic energy of an emotionally charged situation. Cool heads are helpful in diffusing a contentious situation, and it’s a gift that you can offer if you’re able.
If you’ve made it this far…a big round of applause for you. If you keep these things in mind and keep working at them, you’re ready for any socially sticky situation you might find yourself in.
And, just to wrap things up:
When you know your keystone values, and are also aware of your own cultural bias, you will have more confidence and courage to discuss difficult topics. Trying to understand the experiences and beliefs others have had can help you bridge the gap with empathy. You may not change their mind, because confirmation bias is a strong defense mechanism, but the conversation can still be fruitful.
If approached with warmth and kindness, you’ll increase understanding, empathy, and intimacy in your relationship. If there are others observing, you may also inspire them to communicate more confidently and courageously. Wading into difficult things is something that takes practice to polish your skill, but it is a skill and not an inherent trait.
There you have it, with some practice and keeping these 5 tips in mind, you’ll be able to meet any difficult conversation or divide with confidence and courage. You are the warm and kind voice that someone is looking to talk with about the hard things in their life or the confusing topics they’re trying to understand. I believe you can meet that moment, whenever it arises.